Q. My partner gets angry very quickly for seemingly unimportant stuff. Are there any tips for him and me?
A. Anger is a very interesting energy. It is very compelling because it makes one feel powerful, right or superior. However, this is not a true power but rather a response to feeling offended, vulnerable or powerless (such as not being in control). Any boxer will attest to the fact that anger is actually disempowering – it clouds judgment, drains vital energy and robs one of true power. The trigger for anger could be anything from a perceived physical danger, a perceived threat to one’s ego and self-identity, to even something as seemingly small as a minor inconvenience. The key factor is that anger is the go-to emotion for compensating for feelings of powerlessness.
I recommend referring to last month’s Ask a Healer article that looked at how judgment is the cause of all anger, as well as all negative emotions such as depression, guilt, shame, grief, hatred, etc. Seeing this is useful, but it may not get at the energetic aspect lodged deep in the body and unconscious mind – what I call core wounds.
The external triggers of anger may seem unimportant, but the inner wounds that get activated are very important. When core wounds are triggered the resulting feelings are very intense and often seem disproportionate to the circumstances. How we respond to these triggers will determine whether we become further ensnared in the egoic trap of perpetual suffering where the wound festers, or we begin to HEAL in a very deep, direct and profound way. This process of healing will clear the way for Love and Authentic Power to awaken within.
Real healing is a result of releasing the TRAPPED ENERGY of the wound. This trapped energy is released through FEELING the body sensations of the anger WITHOUT ACTING IT OUT OR TELLING ENDLESS STORIES ABOUT IT, either in the head or to others – which is a very strong inclination! There is a powerful interaction between feelings and thinking. Thinking angry thoughts (about how wrong something or someone is) creates more anger and the energy of anger elicits further mental stories of judgment, which inflames the anger even more.
The irony is that we are trying to feel powerful by being angry, but anger actually makes us feel even more powerless and victimized. Judgment of the anger doesn’t help, neither does repression or lashing out. The only way out is to invite something outside of that self-perpetuating loop. The key is AWARENESS. Awareness of the body sensations without judgement will allow the energy to be released and the wound to heal. But this is not easy! It is very uncomfortable to face this. We may feel like we want to lash out or crawl out of our skin. But if we allow the energy to release through focusing directly on body sensations rather than on thoughts, we will be discharging this trapped energy rather than adding to it.
In the beginning, just a few seconds of Awareness of body sensations will be all that we can manage, before the thoughts force their way back in. Eventually it will be 10 seconds, then a minute and then even a few minutes. This is success. Even if we return to the anger and stories after 10 seconds of Awareness, during that ten seconds we have permanently healed just a little bit more of that core wound. Slow, PERSISTENT practice wins the day. Expecting a quick fix and wanting dramatic and instant gratification will never lead to Freedom. Think of it as a slow alchemical process of turning base metal into gold through the fire of Awareness.
A regular practice of Breathing Meditation and/or Aliveness Meditation, as described in the article Meditation For Connecting With Life Energy in the December edition of My Indigo Sun, can greatly assist in being able to recognize something outside of the anger; a life force that is more stable and satisfying than the anger.
A very powerful practice is to set aside a private time and space to intentionally heal core wounds. This is effective for any troubling emotion such as hatred, fear, guilt and sadness. It is especially potent when done later in the day, or as soon as possible, when overwhelming emotions have arisen. Simply sit or lie down, maybe even in a fetal position, and feel, breathe, release with as little stories and thoughts as possible. If thoughts arise, simply return to the body sensations. Rather than commenting on the feelings, you can even fall into them. The mind will say that this is dangerous or foolish but the results will be surprisingly liberating. At any rate, continue to feel, breathe and release.
Finally, I recommend something that may seem counterintuitive. When your partner is angry, even (or especially!) if it seems insignificant, totally accept it. Honor the fact that to him, it feels very significant. It has triggered something deep within. Look at it as a great opportunity for YOU to heal your inner wounds. In other words, if his being triggered triggers you, then that is your work. Thank him inwardly for giving you the opportunity to engage with some very deep healing. If you are not able to do that in his presence, then set aside a time and place to do so as described above. See what happens when you are totally okay inside no matter how he is doing. THAT is Love. That is very healing for BOTH of you, but it has to start within. Yes, it is very challenging, but definitely doable and one of the most worthwhile endeavors with which we can engage in this lifetime.
Mark Okita
Mark Okita is a born energy healer and his diverse life experiences have further expanded and refined those gifts. He trained for many years in the martial arts with an emphasis on meditation and cultivation of internal energy. Mark loves nature and has had wilderness experiences in Alaska, Arizona, California, Colorado, Hawaii, Mexico, New Zealand and Peru.
His work experience has included working in the HIV/AIDS social services and medical fields. He has undergone extensive training in various forms of body and energy healing as well as training and retreats pertaining to awakening human consciousness, including a self-directed 8-year retreat. This has culminated in a surrendering of his ego to the Divine so that all of his healing gifts and diverse life experiences are now in service of a more Pure, Intelligent and Loving Energy. Mark has been a healer on a professional level since 1993 and has been doing specifically Energy Work for the past 20 years. His specialty now is distance healing and telephone sessions. For more information visit www.markokita.com
