In the context of psychological development and interpersonal relationships, projection and differentiation play central roles. A couple once came to me for an astrological consultation. They wanted to know, “Is this the person for me? What is our compatibility?” Both were in their mid-to-late 30s, and each had been married before. Rather than answering their surface-level inquiry — “Is this the person for me?” — I redirected the question inward: “Are you the person for you?”
I know — it might sound strange, but this reframing underscores a foundational dynamic in relationships: the need for intrapsychic integration. At the heart of nearly every relationship struggle is this deeper, often unspoken question. Until we face it honestly, we’re likely to keep repeating the same patterns, regardless of who we’re with.
Your unique astrology, particularly when interpreted through a Jungian lens, offers a framework to help you objectify your experiences with others. The people we feel intensely attracted to often reflect traits or psychological contents that we’ve disowned or are unaware of. We’re drawn to them because they carry parts of us we have yet to fully integrate. As Carl Jung observed, such projections are not random but are constellated by complexes within the unconscious of each person. The strange paradox is this: we may feel both profoundly attracted to and simultaneously repelled by the same person.
When we say we are “in love,” the experience often carries an archetypal quality — a compulsive, almost mythic intensity.We feel a kind of fascination or obsession toward someone — regardless of gender or sexual orientation — which often signals a projection of unconscious contents. There’s a magnetic pull, an almost erotic charge, when we meet someone who can carry a projection of our inner psyche, particularly the Shadow, Anima,or Animusas described by Jung in analytical psychology. These projections are typically marked by what Lévy-Bruhl termed participation mystique,a state where the boundaries between self and other dissolve and we enter into a kind of psychological fusion. No amount of reasoning can talk us out of it; we must live it, feel it, and eventually, see through it.
Eventually, and inevitably (for the sake of our psychological growth), the initial honeymoon phase gives way to polarization. The idealized projection fades. We begin to see each other’s all-too-human flaws. Some major conflict arises, and in that friction, a turning point emerges: a crisis that forces us to differentiate. What we call “falling out of love” is often the dissolution of the idealized projections. This disillusionment — though painful — is crucial. It creates the space for differentiation, the psychological process by which we come to know ourselves as distinct from the other. Without it, we remain in a state of fusion, unable to fully individuate.
To differentiate means to discover who we are as separate individuals.
At first, this realization can be jarring. The infatuation felt so real, so consuming. The other person occupied our thoughts constantly. Yes, in the beginning, it feels like destiny. “I’ve known you forever,” we say. And in a way, that’s true. We have known them before — only not as them, but as lost or disowned aspects of ourselves. They become the carrier of our unintegrated Shadow, our inner feminine or masculine, our longing for wholeness. That’s why it feels so intense, so magnetic, so familiar.
Yet projections are slippery. They feel external, but they originate within.As long as these unconscious forces remain unexamined, we may continue to attract — and repel — the same patterns in different people. The more intensely we idealize or vilify someone, the more likely we are caught in the web of projection. And here’s the difficult truth: we often cannot see or accept our Shadow until we actively dislike it in someone else. This moment of irritation, judgment, or even outright aversion is a clue that a part of our psyche is being externalized. It frequently happens with those closest to us — partners, parents, siblings, friends — where emotional intensity is high and boundaries are porous.
Differentiation requires us to recognize the other person not as an extension of ourselves, but as a whole, separate being — with their own flaws, wounds, and depth. It is through this stage of discomfort and disillusionment that true intimacy can emerge: not from fantasy, but from mutual recognition.
As Edward F. Edinger notes in Anatomy of the Psyche, “To the extent that the opposites remain unconscious and unseparated, one lives in a state of participation mystique, which means that one identifies with one side of a pair of opposites and projects its contrary as an enemy. Space for consciousness to exist appears between the opposites, which means one becomes conscious as one is able to contain and endure the opposites within.”
Carl Jung echoes this in Civilization in Transition, The Undiscovered Self, stating:
“If the same unconscious complex is constellated in two people at the same time, it produces a remarkable emotional effect, a projection, which causes either a mutual attraction or a mutual repulsion.”
The Shadow Inside Us: An Open Enemy
This dynamic of projection is not merely poetic — it’s deeply embedded in ancient astrological wisdom. In traditional astrology, the 7th House is known as the House of Marriage, but also, paradoxically, the House of Open Enemies. Why? Because the one we love most deeply often becomes the one with whom we most profoundly clash. The partner becomes the mirror — and eventually, the mirror becomes too honest.
In some relationships, the energies at play are deeply personal — tied to familiar complexes, childhood wounds, or patterns of behavior we can eventually name and integrate. But other relationships feel as though they come from beyond us, as if some larger current is moving through the connection. This is often the case when the outer planets — Uranus, Neptune, or Pluto — form significant aspects in our natal chart. These transpersonal forces operate far beyond the realm of ego. They don’t just ask us to grow — they insist we transform.
Uranus electrifies the bond, often bringing sudden beginnings — or endings — designed to awaken us. The person we meet may shock us out of our patterns, push us into radical authenticity, or pull the rug out from under our attachments. Neptune dissolves boundaries. It can create a soul-deep yearning, a feeling of spiritual fusion, or a mist of illusion that we only learn to see through over time. Pluto, most intense of all, brings a magnetic, often erotic intensity that activates deep psychic wounds. Control, power, compulsion, and regeneration are all part of the Plutonian dance.
When these planets are active between two people, we’re not just engaging with one another — we’re engaging with something archetypal. We may feel fated, haunted, transcendent, or undone. These relationships don’t usually “fit” conventional models. They often defy logic or timing. But if we approach them with consciousness, they become initiatory: they break us open and set us on the path of individuation.
Coming Home to Ourselves
At some point, we each must make the journey inward — not to fix ourselves, but to remember who we are beneath the projections. Love, as it turns out, is not about completing each other, but about accompanying one another as we return to wholeness. The people who stir us most — whether through desire or difficulty — are often those who awaken a part of us we’ve projected, disowned, or feared.
To see through the projection is to step through a veil. It’s disorienting, sometimes painful, but also liberating. We no longer need to chase an illusion or push away what we don’t understand. We begin to recognize that love isn’t about finding the “perfect” partner — it’s about recognizing ourselves through the sacred friction of relationship.
And maybe, just maybe, we stop asking, “Are they the one?” and start asking, “How is this relationship calling me deeper into myself?” This is the true work — not of falling in love, but of rising in love. Of grounding soul in the soil of the everyday. Of honoring the archetypes at play and finding the courage to hold them, not project them.
As Leonard Cohen wrote in Anthem:
“Ring the bells that still can ring / Forget your perfect offering / There is a crack in everything / That’s how the light gets in.”
So let the cracks show. Let the projections fall. Let love become the alchemical fire, the Self, God within us always meant it to be.
Rebeca Eigen
Rebeca Eigen, an astrologer for 25+ years and author of The Shadow Dance & the Astrological 7th House Workbook specializes in relationships. From every day decisions, to critical life-altering moments, Rebeca shares with you her practical wisdom and guidance for your life’s journey in becoming who you are meant to be.
https://www.shadowdance.com/
