“The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.” (Thich Nhat Hanh)
The past few months of pandemics have been quite unusual and confusing times, for both parents and children. Prior to the forced isolation many of us were used to running around and being constantly distracted by the outside world. We would come together and be with the family only for the short time in the evenings. Our communications with children were often reduced to helping them with homework and briefly catching up while driving to various activities. At this time, when many children are staying home instead of going to day care or school, we are forced to re-evaluate how we relate to our children and re-adjust our interactive patterns with them. We are faced with the need not only to give our children an ability to survive in the environment of fear and uncertainty, but more importantly, give them an ability to thrive and develop to their full potential.
One of the wonderful tools for helping our kids to recognize and develop their talents and to become well-adjusted adults, can be a mindful approach to parenting. The mindful parenting can be described as a continuous awareness that emerging from paying attention to what is going on with us and our children in the present moment. Cultivation of unbiased awareness helps us to relate to our children with non-judgmental acceptance, without clouding our relationships with pre-conceived notions or desires that might not have anything do with the way how things really are. Why mindful approach to parenting is so important? When we see and accept our children’s nature and dynamics of our relationship with them for what they really are, we can make informed and unbiased decisions of how to act and improve arising situations instead of acting on impulses or out of own unconscious needs.
Jon Kabat-Zinn, the founder of the mindfulness- based stress reduction (MBSR) therapy, in his book “Full Catastrophe Living” points out seven necessary techniques that can be incorporated into the mindful parenting relationships:
Non-judging. As a rule, many of our children’s actions or expressions are subconsciously judged and categorized by our minds according to our previous life experiences. Nonjudgmental attitudes means that we become aware of our “judging” and make an effort to see a situation with a fresh attitude, for “what it really is” instead of for “what we think it looks like”.
Patience. Patience means cultivating an understanding that things unfold in their own time, everyone’s timelines are different, and adjusting our expectations accordingly. By allowing the nature to take its’ course, we gain an ability to enjoy the natural unfolding of our children even if it does not comply to our expectations.
Beginner’s Mind. We often think we already know how certain events will turn out, and automatically set expectations that sometimes turn into self-fulfilling prophecies. Beginner’s “fresh” mind is connected to viewing the experiences just for what they are, without associating them with the past and over-identifying with expected outcomes. We can practice cultivating the “beginners mind” by looking at our children and their development with fresh eyes, and try to see them for who they really are for instead of our expectations for who we want them to be.
Trust. An integral part of mindful relating is trusting our intuition and feelings. If we feel that something is not going right with our children, it’s best not to ignore these feelings, but try to understand what is really going on. The more we cultivate trust in ourselves, the easier it would be to develop trust in our children and to develop meaningful connection with them.
Non-striving. In many instances our attitude of pushing our agenda with expectations of the certain outcome can drive a wedge into our relationship with children, or even damage their self of self and ability to make own decisions. Non-striving does not mean not thinking how to improve the situation or not acting. It means reacting to the situation thoughtfully by paying attention to how it is unfolding, seeing and accepting it as it is, moment by moment, and acting out of clarity of vision instead of an impulse.
Acceptance. Acceptance does not imply a passive attitude and unconditional satisfaction with the situation. If our children are sick or struggle in school, we need to find the best resolution while being willing to see the nature of an illness or educational adversity with clarity. This attitude helps to find the most appropriate action for a situation on hand.
Letting go. When we pay attention to our inner experiences, we discover that we are holding on to the certain attitudes and feelings from the past. In many cases the events of our own past cloud our view of our children’s’ nature and our ability to truly relate to them. Letting go does not mean forgetting lessons of the previous experiences, but simply non-dwelling on the past, and letting our children and our relationships with children unfold at present from moment – to moment and be open to new experiences.
Irina Jacobson
References:
Kabat-Zinn, J. (2013). Full Catastrophe Living. The Random House Publishing Group, New York, NY
Mindfulness Manual
Kabat-Zinn, J & Kabat-Zinn, M. (2014). Everyday Blessings. The inner work of mindful parenting. Hachette Books, New York, NY
Irina Jacobson, MA, MBA, is a practicing Licensed Professional counselor. She is a certified yoga teacher, astrologer, and a devoted student of mindful approach to life. An appointment with Irina can be made at Renewing Hope @ 713-365-0700
