When we find ourselves disliking someone, it’s often because they’re expressing a quality we’ve disowned in ourselves. They may act it out more overtly, which is why we notice it — sometimes dramatically so. These traits can even echo those of our parents, whose energies live on inside us as unconscious complexes.
A client once shared this:
“I always had a hard time with my mother. Though she was brilliant — she graduated from Rice with a math degree — she was childlike and naive. She was often taken advantage of, and I found it excruciating. To cope, I overcompensated by developing a persona of sophistication and intellectualism. I buried myself in academia, avoiding anything or anyone that seemed simple, gullible, or emotionally transparent.
But after hearing you speak and working through your Shadow workbook, I realized I was furious whenever I got conned or made a poor judgment. That same naivety lived in me. I had just buried it. The only way I could stop resenting my mother — and myself — was to accept that quality and learn to love it as part of who I am. When I did, it opened the door to healing our relationship. I was lucky enough to reconcile with her before she passed. Now, when I encounter someone like her, I try to go within and ask, ‘Can I just allow this part of life to be, even if I don’t like it?’ Because resisting is what makes it persist.”
Him sharing his story with me touched me deeply. It echoes a truth I’ve lived: if we don’t forgive our parents, we’ll likely marry them — or at least attract their energy in our partners and work through it there. I married both of mine, in different ways. But I’ve come to believe that at the soul level, we want to forgive them, no matter how difficult that process may be. I was fortunate to make peace with both of mine before they died — and perhaps even more important, to forgive myself for being like them.
When I first began teaching Shadow Work, I made a VHS recording of a class and sent it to my parents. They watched it together. Later, my father called and said, “I’m an extrovert — Leo — and your mom’s an introvert — Scorpio.” I laughed. In my chart, I have Leo rising and Pluto (ruler of Scorpio) in the first house and ruler of the 4th house (origin/home/Mother). They are in me. It’s remarkable how we inherit not only our parents’ DNA but their energies.
Shadow work isn’t always heavy or painful — it can also reveal our shared humanity and even bring out our humor. Toward the end of their lives, my parents showed me what real love can look like. When my dad was dying and didn’t want to eat, my mom would make him laugh —and then sneak a spoonful of food into his mouth. He’d grin, chew, then take out an imaginary gun and pretend to shoot her. They’d both laugh. That’s love. Playful, enduring love.
I shared that playful ritual with my business partner, Trish. When tension would arise, I’d pretend to pull out two finger-guns and say, “Hey you. You’re doing it again.” We’d laugh, soften, and then talk through the issue. Working closely with someone is like being in a marriage and, interestingly, her mom and my dad were born on the same day, the same year! Our parents had the same energy! When Trish and I found that out, we knew we were fated to meet. Over five years of working together, we changed through knowing each other. She became more like me; I became more like her. That’s what Shadow Work in relationship can do — it helps us reclaim and live the parts of ourselves we’ve projected, denied or rejected.
Our Character is Our Fate
And fate, with its wry smile, often brings us people who embody the very things we need to see in ourselves. That person who irritates you? They are a mirror. You don’t need to “get rid of” the quality you see in them — you need to include it. If it keeps showing up, it’s yours.
Now, I’m not saying we must like everyone. We’re not meant to be close with everyone we meet. But when you notice a repeating pattern, that’s the clue: this is your work. Instead of blaming, ask:
• Where do I lie to myself?
• Where am I not listening to my own needs?
• Where have I become the very thing I judge?
The Universe sends us these mirrors as gifts — often uncomfortable ones, but still gifts if we can look at them differently. When we blame others, we miss the gold buried in the shadow.
Ultimately, Shadow Work invites us into a relationship with our whole selves. It helps us stop fighting with the parts we’ve pushed away. We all carry contradictions: the wise one and the fool, the brave and the scared, the nurturer and the needy child.
Above my desk is a quote I live by: “The only thing I am sure of is that everything changes.” That includes us. We evolve by learning to embrace what we once rejected. When you meet that part of yourself again — disguised as your partner, coworker, or friend — it’s not an enemy. It’s you, asking for inclusion and when we finally understand that, we can smile and say, “Oh, there you are again.” The shadow isn’t our enemy. It’s just the part of us waiting to be welcomed home.
Rebeca Eigen
Rebeca Eigen, an astrologer for 25+ years and author of The Shadow Dance & the Astrological 7th House Workbook specializes in relationships. From every day decisions, to critical life-altering moments, Rebeca shares with you her practical wisdom and guidance for your life’s journey in becoming who you are meant to be.
https://www.shadowdance.com/
