Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the presence of love.
— J. Pittman McGehee, D.D.
The affect that others have on us is purposeful. The unconscious will actually facilitate this to happen by producing quarrels eventually. Don’t feel like a victim when this phase of a relationship begins. The unconscious of both people will set it up so that they can differentiate i.e., see who each other actually is. In other words, recognize differences. Most people are unaware of how much their original attraction (chemistry) to the ‘other’ is about a part of ourselves that has remained unconscious. Our unconscious has a profound influence on our lives as it wants to be known.
There is a teleology in the people, events and situations occurring in our lives. Teleology just means it’s leading somewhere. It wants something from us. Often, it’s our own Shadow begging for our self-acceptance by bringing us a mirror. If we can look at our lives in this way and say to ourselves, “What does this experience want from me?” “What in me has been projected onto you so that I can see it?”
Problems inevitably occur as we begin to really know each other.
What if someone does something or says something that we don’t like, and we say nothing. When we refuse to communicate, we block our self-expression and the relationship stagnates. We basically freeze up our emotional connection with that person. Just because we didn’t say anything, doesn’t mean it isn’t still there. The biggest problem with incomplete communication is the other person doesn’t know us.
We have to strive to be as honest as we possibly can even if it will cause short-term anxiety, because withholding our truth is no different than rage. They are really two extremes. Either of those will harm the relationship more than if we are honest. When people rage, it usually means they have been holding back their real feelings for an extended period of time.
Many people get in relationships where they will do exactly what their partner wants all the time, thinking that this is how to keep the peace. It’s a false peace which will erupt sooner or later because the psyche is striving to be whole and complete. In Modern Man in Search of a Soul, Carl Jung says,
“…nothing is more unbearable than a tepid harmony in personal relationships brought about by withholding emotions.”
In Analytical Psychology, Its Theory and Practice, the Tavistock Lectures, he explains,
“You see there is perfect harmony here; but do not make the mistake of thinking that this harmony is a paradise, for these people will kick against each other after awhile because they are just too harmonious.”
Often projection onto an “other” leads to issues in miscommunication. A common theme I’ve heard in marriages is where the person, man or woman says according to my spouse everything that happens is my fault. Well, that’s impossible. Since none of us is perfect, everyone makes mistakes. We all do stuff that we regret, and our ego is not diminished by admitting error. It strengthens when we become accountable for our words and actions. Jung advocated developing a strong ego as the essential first stage of any kind of self-exploration or therapy. Not a big ego. A strong ego. There is a big difference between the two. A big ego cannot ever say they are sorry or wrong. Everything that happens to them is everyone else’s fault. We all do this sometimes as no one enjoys being wrong. A good way to check your ego is the charge you are getting from an experience. If you are charged, (which includes going on and on to others about the issue ad nauseum) then there is something you need to see about yourself. This is not easy, but it is so worth it if self-knowledge and individuating is your goal.
Polarizations in our relationships is how we learn more about ourselves. One person will exhibit one extreme in their character and the other will be doing the opposite extreme. For a polarization to have occurred, both people had to get out of balance. Therefore, both are responsible for bringing things back to a state of harmony.
If we are the more silent, introverted type and find it difficult to talk about our feelings, then it’s important for us to write things down to get clear with the other person. This is not an easy task, as it takes work, cooperation, and self-honesty. What you will have at the end of the day if you are willing to do “Shadow work” (recognize opposites) with your partner or friend and communicate authentically is trust.
Authenticity has an intention.
The intention is I intend to be closer to you. I want to know you and what you feel, and I am open to you knowing me. I can be trusted to keep my word. I can ask for your help if I need it without fear that I am putting you out to do so. I also want you to ask me for what you want. Even if we are disagreeing at times, when you are listening or communicating, they know you care. In a lot of ways, we are going to stretch and be more selfless at times and at times we are going to be selfish. We need both for balance. The goal is reciprocity and balance.
Looking at your Astrological data together with your partner will give you a tool to work with. When each person can learn about their partners’ astrology, get a synastry interpretation of the two of them together, the insights revealed are very healing. We can understand so much more about who the person we are in relationship with is; what’s important to them and even why it’s important to them. Our differences will be spelled out as well. Our imbalances will be revealed. Over time with awareness and self-knowledge, we can take back our projections and realize where we are actually a lot alike, too. Now it’s on paper.
We can now love our partner for who they are, not what we initially projected onto them. This kind of love is real. Real love, unlike projection, is a willingness to see and support another person to be their own unique, separate self. This kind of love offers us all the freedom to be real, not just ideal.
Rebeca Eigen
Rebeca Eigen, an astrologer for 25+ years and author of The Shadow Dance & the Astrological 7th House Workbook specializes in relationships. From every day decisions, to critical life-altering moments, Rebeca shares with you her practical wisdom and guidance for your life’s journey in becoming who you are meant to be.
https://www.shadowdance.com/
