There comes a time in every relationship when the honeymoon is over, the bloom is off the rose and we are no longer seeing our ideal in the other person because we are starting to get to know them. Our unconscious will facilitate this by producing quarrels between us. I am explaining this so that you can let go of feeling like a victim when this happens. It occurs in the 2nd phase of every relationship. It’s inevitable. No relationship remains ideal forever.
When we first meet someone we are attracted to, we tend to idealize them. Carl Jung explains we are projecting something of ourselves onto this person. It’s interesting to hear someone say, “You’re not who I thought you were.” That means they are no longer a projection or a fantasy of what we saw in the beginning — which was only what we wanted to see.
“A fascination of this kind is never exercised by one person upon another; it is always a phenomenon of relationships, which requires two people in so far as the person fascinated necessarily has a corresponding disposition. But the disposition must be unconscious or no fascination will take place. The fascination is a compulsive phenomenon in the sense that it lacks a conscious motive; it is not a process of will, but something that rises up from the unconscious and forcibly obtrudes itself upon the conscious mind.”
— Carl Jung, Two Essays in Analytical Psychology, par 136
We have to separate to differentiate and see who our partner really is. We also begin to express more and more of our authentic selves because no one can be their persona 24/7. Yet, at the beginning, we all try to put our best foot forward. Everybody wants to be highly thought of by the person that they are fascinated by or attracted to. A relationship with anyone new starts that way. This isn’t just relationships with significant others or marriage partners, this is with everybody. That includes our friends, our teachers, our clients — anybody we idealize.
It’s also important when a disagreement occurs, that we learn to take turns giving in. Each person has to be willing to give in sometimes and not insist on always being right. We all make mistakes and nobody is always right. The successful resolution of any disagreement has a lot to do with how we communicate and how we listen. Listening is probably the most important aspect of communication. Most people have probably heard the axiom that wisely reminds us that we have two ears and one mouth. We need to listen twice as much as we speak when we are striving to understand each other.
I’ll never forget an incident that occurred with my business partner, Trish. We had been together at least six to eight months and before that, we worked together six years as she was my client at Exxon Chemical. When she became my business partner, we started seeing things about each other we had never seen before. One day she did something that I didn’t like and I said so. I told her I thought she was being passive-aggressive. Her response was, “Everything is about you. Why do you have to take things that way?” She left in a huff but calmly insisted it was all about my over reactive sensitivity.
Later that night I recorded thoughts of the interaction in my journal, I wrote I don’t know what she’s angry about, but she’s doing stuff to get even with me. I saw her as being an angry person as I was seeing a lot of anger coming from her but she wouldn’t admit it. She called me at that synchronistic moment as I was writing and said, “You’re right. I am angry with you.” I said, “Good. Now we can do something about it. Now we can talk about how we can meet each other half way. We do not always have to do things my way Trish. We can take turns.” I told her, “How will I know what you’re upset about if you don’t tell me? I love you and I want to know. I want our partnership to work and if you can’t say it in the moment, will you please write it down?” By expressing my feelings, I created a safe space for her to communicate with me. I also told her I was committed to our partnership and she agreed that yes, she was committed too. We agreed we would try harder to get our emotions and egos out of our way. By making this agreement, we were able to come up with ways that both of us could get our needs met. It didn’t happen overnight but as days went by, it got so much easier and comfortable between us.
Think about this. You want to be fair to the other person and the word fair also means equal. Equal means we are going to share responsibilities and negotiate who’s going to be in charge, who’s going to follow and who’s going to lead. A relationship is always a dance. Keeping track of that dance consciously is being willing to recognize and remember. Ok, last time they gave in, they adjusted, they listened to me. Tell yourself, “It’s my turn to listen here, make a concession, take their ideas into consideration so that I can understand where they’re coming from.” In other words, put myself in their shoes. Try to look at upsets or just requests objectively from their perspective. What did they feel when this took place? If you are willing to communicate, it means you’re listening and they will know you care. Communication is everything. I can’t repeat that enough.
When she called me and told me the truth, we could meet each other half way. We began to know each other much better. We learned to see and even appreciate our differences.
Committing to working things out and not go on the defensive is essential. If they do ask for something and we ignore them or put them down for what they want, they’re not going to be willing to share much with us and slowly the relationship will deteriorate. They start to disconnect from the intimacy involved in being together because they were not taken seriously.
If we have resisted being open and vulnerable when feeling discontent, our unconscious shadow or contra-sexual image, Anima or Animus will get even for us without our knowing what is happening. The psyche is a relatively closed system of energy so just because we repress or suppress what we really felt in the moment, doesn’t mean it went away. There’s a different energy in the room. You can actually feel it. It’s palpable.
Or sometimes one person is being overly nice, trying to just smooth things out but not really responding in an authentic way to what the person’s issue is. In Modern Man in Search of a Soul, Carl Jung says,
“… nothing is more unbearable than a tepid harmony in personal relationships brought about by withholding emotions.”
and in Analytical Psychology, It’s Theory and Practice, the Tavistock Lectures, he explains,
“You see there is perfect harmony here but do not make the mistake of thinking that this harmony is paradise for these people will kick against each other after a while because they are just too harmonious.”
Not only is it vitally important to withdraw our projections from each other, we must be vulnerable and tell the other person that we’ve done so. Say to them, “This, that I saw in you was probably more about me or this, that I saw about you, I am not seeing anymore.” Start up this kind of a dialogue.
One of the most valuable aspects about long-term relationships is that both people get to know and trust another person. Trust takes a long time and many shared experiences of demonstrating to each other that what’s important to you is just as important as what’s important to me. The planet Saturn which rules time instigates the glue of effort that allows for relationships to mature. It is no wonder that in traditional astrology, Saturn is exalted in the sign of Libra, the sign of the scales.
Polarizations occur because there is a part of yourself that you’re missing and this particular relationship is the one to help you see your denied self. Remember the alchemical dictum, “As above, so below. As within, so without.” You wouldn’t even be in a relationship with that person if they did not have very similar energy to your own. When I see two peoples birth charts, I can see they have split up the energy between them. The unconscious collusion is, “I’ll be this part of you, if you’ll be this part of me.”
Our unconscious will find the perfect person whether it is a business partner, a friend or a marriage partner. Even daughter or son in-laws, mother or father-in-laws or step-children must learn to cooperate and communicate with each other when they are sharing a family relationship with another person. It is not unusual to have someone come for a Chart Consultation complaining about their son’s wife. The birth charts clearly show they have the same energy. We marry aspects of our parents to resolve our unresolved issues with them.
The teleology of life is it’s leading somewhere, it wants something from us so it behooves us to know that what’s inside is outside. Trust that the universe has brought the perfect person to you over and over so you can see these split-off parts of your psyche. If we can look at our lives in this way, if we can say to ourselves: What does this want from me? What issues need to be discussed? What am I hiding from myself?
In John Sanford’s book Between People Communicating One-to-One, he lists three different ways that we communicate that don’t work very well and I will list them:
1) When a person talks at you they will communicate by talking and talking, not ever stopping to breathe. It becomes a monologue instead of a dialogue.
2) If they keep interrupting you when you’re trying to say something showing you they don’t really want to hear what you’re saying no matter what you say.
3) They make pronouncements. For instance, “This is it. End of discussion. Nothing more to talk about,” ending the discussion prematurely before you have the chance to put forth all that you wanted to discuss.
We are all capable of all of this. I’m not talking about they or them, I’m talking about all of us. Instead of blaming each other, we can grow from all relationships when we are willing to see our own opposites being played out in our polarizations. The biggest problem of relating with others is often incomplete communication.
In the end, I became more like my partner Trish and she became more like me. That is the GOLD and why the unconscious has brought to us this particular person. It was our fate. Her mother and my father were born the same day, the same year. They had the same energy. Our parents live inside us even after they are gone. It is remarkable to see how the unconscious of each person sets it up for us to see our opposites. I tell a longer version of this story in my Shadow Dance & 7th House Workbook because the astrological aspects of it were quite telling and demonstrate that we are indeed made up of energy. In being open to doing Shadow Work together, we created an amazing bond and a life-long friend. She is gone now and I am so grateful to have known her. She was an Aquarius which is what I have on my 7th House (marriage, partnership and open enemies).
Peace and harmony can become real after facing these short-term, anxiety provoking issues. In some ways were going to stretch to learn to be more selfless at times and sometimes we are going to be selfish. We need both for balance. If you’re paying attention to the opposites that occur precisely for your own benefit, life itself will awe you.
Best friends is what we are headed towards in the Age of Aquarius. Best friends tell each other the truth and as Jesus said long ago, “You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” It will set you both free to experience love.
Rebeca Eigen
Rebeca Eigen, an astrologer for 25+ years and author of The Shadow Dance & the Astrological 7th House Workbook specializes in relationships. From every day decisions, to critical life-altering moments, Rebeca shares with you her practical wisdom and guidance for your life’s journey in becoming who you are meant to be.
https://www.shadowdance.com/
